Name:

Mathew Whitlock

Age:

38

Position:

Prop

Nickname:

Whitters, Tinky-Winky, Lala, Po

Self appointed sevens captain, Mathew’s claim to fame is scoring more tries in a season than John Knights and downing his soup in one at the last club lunch. A part-time dental student, Whitters likes nothing more than a good abscess. 

Name:

Will Barrett

Age:

42

Position:

Hooker

Nickname:

Postie,

Has the canny ability to roll up a cigerette and smoke it between walking fom the changing room to the pitch. Cant throw in for toffee.

Name:

Paul Thurlow

Age:

44

Position:

Prop

Nickname:

Sir

Made the move to front row this season and has been bloody brilliant. Lovely bloke if he is smiling at you. If not then run away as fast as you can.

Name:

John Hunt

Age:

47

Position:

Prop/Second Row

Nickname:

Hunt

Has played more games this season than ever before. Moans like hell every week about everything but is first on the team sheet for the next week’s game.

Name:

Big Kev

Age:

40

Position:

Second Row

Nickname:

Big Kev

When Big Kev is in the changing room you know you are going to win. Not that great at jumping in the line out or passing to anybody but being top try scorer in the forwards means that he is a difficult man to stop. Love him (or else).

Name:

Glen Martin

Age:

36

Position:

Back Row/Centre

Nickname:

Jnr

Ex-youth player, ex-Colt, ex-Club Captain. Keeps getting hurt. Well what else can we say about our leader, er…..nothing.

Name:

Luke Howells

Age:

26 (35 in dog years)

Position:

Back Row

Nickname:

Little Luke

Brother of Big Kev, obviously Mummy Big Kev wasn't eating enough Weetabix when she gave birth to Luke. Very popular member of the back row as he does more running around the pitch than the rest of them put together.

Name:

Dave Barker

Age:

36

Position:

Back Row

Nickname:

Barks

"He is the cider drinker, he drinks it all of the day" then falls asleep on the settee at 7pm next to Potato. Another physical player that likes to get his point across.

Name:

Jonathan Oram

Age:

26

Position:

Back Row/Second Row/Centre

Nickname:

JohnO

One of those Northern chaps. No one can understand a word he say's but just smile and nod your head at him seems to keep him happy. Moment of the season was scoring his first try for the Club while covering for John Knights…tee hee.

Name:

Pete Buckingham

Age:

49

Position:

No. 8

Nickname:

Buck

Keen for press recognition so that he can brag to his companions down the Forest Gate. Most entertaining when scoring tries. Buck is the oldest player in the team and enjoys wearing team mates shorts on his head!!!! Worst rugby moment came when edited out of a Rugby World photo of a UCFC tour to Dublin.

Name:

Michael Whitbread

Age:

48

Position:

Scrum Half

Nickname:

Ed

Knowing Ed’s track record with Rugby injuries, Kim is stamping her feet in annoyance as she has been unable to claim on any of the many insurance policies taken out. Quite remarkably he has almost gone a whole season as fit as a daisy.

Name:

Potato

Age:

38

Position:

Fly Half

Nickname:

Big Nose

A good looking lad, intelligent too but doesn’t know the difference between ‘there’ and ‘their’. Slit his wrists and he bleeds quality. Fortunate enough to write the team reports mostly about himself and John Knights’ lack of ability to score tries.  Mum likely to still be in the back of the car.

Name:

John Knights (right)

Age:

36

Position:

Centre,Prop

Nickname:

The Guv’nor

On hearing that another player had taken his place one week when he was initially unavailable. He then threatened to shoot Potato if he was not selected. It is always good to be on John’s good side. Hard hitter but crap at try scoring. Once appeared but in channel 4’s Grand Designs.

Name:

Stacey Teather (left)

Age:

35

Position:

Centre,Team Juggler

Nickname:

Copper,Fuzz,Filth,Old Bill

You will never guess that Stace works for the Police. Good strong runner IF he catches the ball. Stacey would like to quash any rumours that although the photo makes him look like one he is in fact only good friends with Damien.  Likes a good family day out at the seaside where he can get his hands on some winkles.

Name:

Des Norris (left)

Age:

41

Position:

Wing

Nickname:

Dessie

I can honestly say that we are so glad that Des plays on our side. I always feel sorry for his opponent, or in fact, anyone that looks at him in a funny way from the opposition. Once knocked out a team mate in the bar but did come back after ten minutes to check if he was still unconscious. Why? Because he cares. 

Name:

Mark Lobban (right)

Age:

38

Position:

Wing

Nickname:

Lobbo

Tonight Matthew, I’m going to be...Darius. Not a very good rugby veteran. He trains, watches his diet but most of all is Welsh (eerrrrr). Currently top try scorer with his boyfriend cumming close behind (phnarrr)!!!

Name:

Pete Cootes

Age:

348

Position:

Full Back

Nickname:

Cootesie

All round top bloke. Has played in some crunch games this season and has never let the team or the Club down. Once out-played Lobbo when asked to play for the opposition. But Lobbo was booked for the Pop Idol semi-final that night.

Name:

Tony Robinson

Age:

46

Position:

Full Back

Nickname:

Dominici

Has never quite found that second gear. Fearless under the high ball Dominici has developed a game plan this season of catch it then give it to one of the quick ‘uns. No one passes the man of steel. Curator for the Duxford Haematoma Museum Tony has the largest collection of dried bruises this side of Plovdiv.

Name:

Kevin Hewitt-Devine

Age:

46

Position:

Referee

Nickname:

 -

Although a club member Hyphen is not afraid to send the home players off. Des has felt the wrath this season and he once sent Potato to the sin bin for singing. Club honours include the 2006 ‘Swinnie’ for most boring speech given to an audience that wasn’t listening.

Name:

Colin Tucker

Age:

Awaiting confirmation but probably Neolithic

Position:

Chief Aggitator

Nickname:

Tucker

Raconteur, wit and the perfect Grand Dad that everybody wants.  Probably gives good presents as well.

19/01/08

1st XV

@ Dagenham

A XV

No Game

Ex A

@ O. Totts